Losing loved ones is never easy, for me the last 2.5 years have been a major struggle with this. In June 2012 I placed my son for open adoption with a wonderful family in New Mexico. Placing him was hard enough but even more so knowing I wouldn't get to see him all the time. Thankfully they send me pictures and updates on him regularly. Then in November 2012 my world was turned upside down when just after getting home from Thanksgiving break I was informed that my dad had Stage 3 Lung Cancer. I went through the whole range of emotions, shock, denial, anger and acceptance but each stage was honestly terrible. My dad was the parent that knew everything about me, he could tell you my favorite things, my first boyfriend, the first boy to kiss me or take me on a date, he was always there supporting me and keeping me in line. Anytime I had a question it was to dad that I ran whether it was regarding boys, school, church, sports, or even all that wonderful female stuff. My dad was my rock! When I first got the message I instantly started bawling, I felt like someone had just dropped the empire state building on me, I couldn't breath, couldn't see, couldn't think, I was frozen. The doctors had given my dad a year to live. All I could think about was all the stories and advice he had given us. Night after night I would stay awake reliving everything my dad had ever said to us kids, thinking about all our fun trips together, him disciplining us always saying how it hurt him more than us and laughing thinking yeah right.
My mind was over flowing with memories made with him swimming at state wrestling, skiing with him, telling us stories about his life, watching him so faithfully take care of his dad, seeing the smile that would spread across his face each time a child that didn't live at home would take time out of their schedule to come visit and him always saying before we would leave how much he appreciated us coming to see him taking time to be a part of his posterity and what not. I remember all those Sunday afternoons playing outside on the basketball hoop, jump roping, eating chocolate pudding, and many others. I think of all our family reunions dad playing games like Sardines, Kick the Can, Hide and Seek and many others, I remember him standing around the fire talking to his posterity, his amazing dutch oven chicken. I think of how he always had one of the grandbabies on his lap or in his arms, watching him mow the lawn with the little ones even Ammon on his shoulders or helping push the mower until they feel asleep and then him just holding them while finishing up. I can't thank my dad enough for teaching me to work and love the outdoors. Every time spring/summer shows up I think of all the lawn work and gardening that dad was going to make us do that day and what other chores he would decide to pile on. I loved how he didn't just tell us what to do, he would do it with us, teach us how to do it and take the time out of his day to show us. I loved getting to sit out with him on the front porch or the deck and just look out at nature and him always say how pretty it was and how blessed we are to live in such a beautiful place, to treasure the beauty of the earth. I could hear his laugh constantly in my mind anytime someone would say something that dad would laugh at or I would watch a movie that he would think was funny or even when I would do something that I know dad would have gotten a kick out of. I can hear him singing all the time especially in his wonderful Frank Sinatra voice and especially around christmas time. I remember going out the day after Thanksgiving getting to pick out our Christmas tree and one for grandma and getting to help cut it down and drag it back to the vehicle. I remember all those long drives dad took me on to help me get my drivers license, and the things he would tell me about becoming a respectable young lady and to always make him and God proud and the advice he would give me about boys and what I needed to do better in sports. So many things would keep me awake at night trying to preserve everything I had of my father. I remember him calling me early in the morning when I was away at calling just to tell me to go mow a lawn or the he was eating a bowl of raspberries and milk or peaches and milk or even to call me and tell me he was eating my favorite ice cream. I remember all the times he would sit the family down to give us a talk or have a discussion at the kitchen table.
Being that I was away at school with no car I didn't get to go home and see him much so phone calls had to do it for the time being which never seemed like enough to me. In July 2013 dad had a major stroke, I got the call while helping my boss move and she instantly knew something wasn't right. That same night I was scheduled to get my patriarchal blessing. I showed up crying and left crying, that poor patriarch had never seen anything like it before. Still to this day I'm so grateful I had the amazing boss I did that was so understanding and let me take the weekends off work to go be with my family. That weekend my brother in-law and I drove all through the night to get to the hospital and the family. I had the hardest time going into the hospital room the first time, I didn't want to see my dad hurting and in pain. We spent a week or two there before going to Cokeville to take care of things there. I had to look at pictures of my happy fun-loving dad all the time so that that was how I would remember him. It seemed like there were people that had given up on him so early when I couldn't do that to the only man that always no matter what had faith and believed in me.
I did have to go back to work and school but every weekend I got the chance to go home I did, having a sister and brother in-law move up by me helped a ton cause then we could go down together and had each other to help through this time. There were a couple weekend where we rushed home because they told us dad wasn't going to make it so we would pack our bags in a hurry, get everything taken care of with us and then get on the road as soon as possible. Then in November 2013 one weekend we got the call again saying they were sure he wasn't going to make it. We got on the road as fast as we possibly could. About Kemmerer we got the call saying he had passed, we didn't make it back in time.
Every one always tells you how the death of a loved one gets easier with time and I am here to tell you that is a bunch of crap!!! It doesn't get easier, you just learn to live, to put a smile on your face and be happy because thats what your loved one would want. I hate it when people tell me that he is in a better place. Yeah he is with God but you can't honestly tell me that he wouldn't rather be with his family, his posterity watching their sports games, seeing their job success, and watching the family grow, welcoming babies and new in-laws and what not into the family. Yes I know he had lots a questions for God and what not but I still think he would love to be here physically with his family. Like I said it never gets easier you just learn how to make life go on, you'll have those days where it doesn't fair or right that he had to go so soon and so quick which it wasn't but you keep going and pushing on knowing that he wouldn't want you crying and moping around, that he would want you to get on with your life and be happy. Dad was always about the little things in life and I think he helped us all see how important those are. He had a contagious smile, laughter and personality, he could talk to anybody about anything.
I couldn't be more grateful to all the wonderful people that helped my family in this time of need and I will never be able to fully express my gratitude to you all but I do want to say THANK YOU! You made a difference and for that we are extremely grateful, we may not be great at showing it but I can promise you all we thinking about how you all helped daily and how much it means to us, we will never forget it.
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