Miscarriages Over and Over

    As a continuation of my last post I still have so much I want to share with others and hopefully in some way help at least one person. I have had so much on my mind lately that for the last month I have constantly been getting this feeling I need to share with others to help them in whatever way it does or maybe it's to help me I'm not completely sure yet, I will know know until I share my thoughts and feelings.

    Since Levi and I got married in November 2013 we decided that we were not going to prevent us from having a family, we did not feel that birth control or any of those other things were for us. We decided to go with the flow and if we got pregnant than we got pregnant but we were not going to hold off on starting our family. We were more than happy to let our family start growing whenever God wanted it to especially being that my dear husband Levi was going to be 30 in a few months ;) what an old man. Haha!

    Over the course of our marriage we have been blessed to get pregnant 3 times but not so blessed by miscarrying each one, my body wouldn't seem to let me carry a baby past 10 weeks old. After the first miscarriage we decided to not tell anybody if I got pregnant until after 12 weeks in case of another miscarriage. 

    April 2014, June 2014, October 2014 are days I'll never forget. After our 3rd miscarriage we decided that it was time for me to get checked out. This was extremely hard for me to come to terms with. Knowing I had already carried a beautiful healthy baby boy to full term and placed him for adoption and now that I was trying for a family of my own I couldn't carry a baby was extremely heart breaking for me. One miscarriage is hard enough on you physically and emotionally but to have 3 of them in the same year my body was not in its natural state and neither were my emotions or mental state where they should have been. Once again I went through all the stages shock, denial, anger and acceptance and finally decided I needed to get check out so we could figure out what needed to be done. After multiple lab work tests, ultrasounds, and finally a sonohystergram we were able to finally find what was believed to be the cause of the miscarriages. After countless amounts of research on the procedure it was again on that it was the best option for us to be able to start a family of our own someday. Surgery was scheduled and all the prep was done to get me where I needed to be so Levi and I could start a family of our own. 

    With each miscarriage I felt more and more and more like a failure in my marriage and as a mother. I didn't understand why my body would keep rejecting this babies. I racked my brain trying to figure out why this was happening to Levi and I, and much to my dismay I still haven't been able to come up with a reason for it. We were going to church, fulfilling our callings and duties there, had a good marriage, or at least as good as it could be with it being our first year and losing dad and my best friend. We were loving and loyal to each other. I couldn't figure it out. 

   Then one day it hit me that I will never know the reason why each of those precious little babies weren't able to be carried full-term. All I can think of is what lesson each of those miscarriages was suppose to teach me, what I was suppose to pull away from the situation at hand, what I needed to learn so badly that I kept getting the same trial over and over again. So now instead of racking my brain to try and figure out why God kept taking away the people I loved so fiercely from me I decided to change my outlook and try to understand what he wants me to learn and do with these trials. Still to this day I am not completely sure I understand why or what these trials are teaching me or why they happened to us.

    All I can tell you is this.

    I know from experience how it feels having a miscarriage, having a hard time getting pregnant, going through the struggles to start your own family. I am here to help in anyway possible to all those out there struggling with miscarriages, infertility, endometriosis, PCOS and all the other hard things out there preventing you from starting your family. You have a family in all of us. We are here to support each other and learn from one another. I would never wish the struggles we have had on anybody else. Yes, sometimes I get mad or jealous when I'm walking in the store or at church or work and see pregnant ladies or people posting on Facebook announcing they are pregnant or what gender their baby is going to be, or even posting pictures of their newborns, but I can't help but be so excited for those ladies and couples at the same time. I am beyond grateful they don't have to go through the same struggles or if they did and are now pregnant I am so excited for them!

    We need to have joy for those around us even if they are getting what we want and can't have at the time. We need to understand and trust in God's plan that he knows what he is doing and he is in control, this concept is super hard for me but I am slowly coming to terms with it. We have to trust that God's timing is what is best for us. We need to believe that God wouldn't put us through a trial if he knew we couldn't handle it. We need to believe there something good and amazing will happen after we conquer the trials at hand. But mostly we need to never give up!!! Life is hard, extremely hard some days but we need to keep smiling and working through the day and believing that there is good out there and that good will come when we are ready for it.